Friday, January 4, 2013

How to lose weight over the holidays.

I realize this post comes a little late for those of you who overindulged and now feel the pinch of your waistband in your side. I've been there. I remember the feeling as well as the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe those pants shrank at the cleaners, which quickly fades as you put on the next pair which was not yet sent to the cleaners. I know your pain. And I know reading this does nothing to assuage those feelings today. 

But, there is always next year.  

So, here's the plan: 

First off, do not do any holiday planning in advance of the holidays. That will not help one bit; in fact, it will completely thwart your efforts.

Do, however, make sure there is plenty to plan. Don't scrimp on holiday details, decorating, cards, gifts,  entertaining, parties, or vacation planning. Make one hundred percent certain that your plate is overflowing with obligations. If it seems that it is only slightly overflowing, add more. Perhaps a dinner party for ten at your house, with no help. Perfect. Pile it on! And don't even think about using paper napkins. White linen is a must. Along with silver and crystal. The more labor intensive, the better. 
dinner party table for ten
Next, ensure that your husband does not in any way insist on helping with the holiday shopping. Don't let him raise a finger when it comes to gift buying or wrapping. Clearly, he is busy working and shouldn't be bothered. Even if "working" sometimes means "networking" with friends at a local pub. Networking is important too. Do not bother him as you want your plate overflowing.

Also, it is imperative that you are room mom for at least one of your kids' classrooms. If you can take on two, your success is nearly guaranteed, but for me, just one worked fine. Plan an entire day of festivities for the class's last day of school. Make sure there is baking involved. And lots of shopping and wrapping for the class gifts. Oh, and count on the mom who volunteered to bring drinks to arrive with no ice. Bonus, because now you can schlep a cooler full of ice up to school at the last minute on top of all the other supplies, home baked goodies, gifts, and craft supplies. The plan is working perfectly!  
Holiday Celebration fun!
It also helps to then plan a fun day for the kids when they are out of school. Yes, you could make use of this time preparing for house guests, but that would not add to the frenzy of the season. No, no, decorate gingerbread houses, make and decorate mountains of sugar cookies. We are making memories here! 

Making memories!
I may have forgot to mention it, but if you otherwise have household help (i.e., a housekeeper), you should ensure she develops a horrid staph infection or other such drama so you have no choice but to clean the toilets yourself. Truly, how hard can it be to keep the house clean with the kids home for the holidays and the in-laws arriving in a few days?!? Pish posh. 

Now we are truly experiencing the joy of the season! 

You may have thought it would get easier at this point. Most of the hard work is behind you now. Of course, now is when the in-laws arrive. Luckily for me, my in-laws are easy. They add very little to my plate. But, if they are here I'm not going to just serve pizza. No, I insist on three nights of painstakingly planned meals served on china {antique no less}, in the dining room {when else do we use it}, with the white linen napkins, sliver, crystal and the whole bit {Grandma would be so proud}. They do not ask for this. I'm pretty sure they think it is a bit over the top, but I insist. 

It's the holidays! 

It is also imperative to plan an incredible getaway for which you depart on December 26th at 5:20am. Truly, you can't budge on this last detail. You must leave town without having time to process Christmas Day, much less launder the now hundreds of linen napkins strewn about. You must instead, somehow find time to pack you and your daughter for temps at least fifty degrees cooler than that at home. And perchance sleep before the 3:00am alarm. 

Whisk daughter away for a four day whirlwind tour of one of your favorite places. I chose NYC, but there is some flexibility in this decision. I simply think it must be (1) cold freezing, and (2) hectic. This is not a time to get away and relax. No, this is a time to run around for at least sixteen hours a day without stopping. Start early. Skip lunch and make sure to change clothes at least twice a day. Do not skip Times Square just because it's nearly midnight and you are both freezing and exhausted. Get your butt down to at least 47th street. Take pictures. Enjoy the crazy crowds. And then repeat the next day substituting Rockefeller Center the next night. Have the time of your life; just don't relax or sleep much at all.

Talk about making memories!

Now, you must return home as your adrenaline supply cannot possibly keep up. You've managed to make it to December 29th running so quickly from one party to the next to the next that you forgot to sit down, drink the nog and eat the fudge. In fact, you discover upon returning home, there is nearly an entire batch of fudge remaining. How can this be? You always eat all the fudge which is clearly what causes the post-holiday pudge. 

Now here's the kicker: You have New Year's plans which require you to unpack, repack and depart 24 hours after returning! But wait, this is when the immune system finally gives way to the FLU! You felt it coming on the plane on the way home {though denial kept you going a few more hours}. Twelve hours later simply let the fever envelop you, cry UNCLE!, but insist the rest of the family depart as planned. 

Fall directly into bed and do not move for at least 30 hours. Okay, let the dogs out occasionally, but otherwise do not move. Do not eat. Do not drink anything but clear fluids. Take your temperature every time you wake from a fever-induced rest and marvel at how bad 102 feels. Stay in this state for as long as it takes to begin to feel human again. For me, it was around thirty-six hours in bed. At that point I was able to stand long enough to make a green smoothie which I drank lying back in bed. Yes, you could call a friend to bring you food, but food does not even sound good {craziest words ever said}. 

After a few days of refusing any food, start small. Don't shock your food-free system. It will take time to be able to eat a full meal again without feeling nauseous. Take it slow. 

A full week later, I promise your skinny jeans will not seem near as skinny as they were in November! 

And that my friends, makes for a very Happy New Year!

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