Wednesday, October 30, 2013

New Parents Have it Easy.

Yes, you read the title correctly:  I think new parents have it easy.

Really, when you think back, babies are not all that hard.

I realize this could incite new mothers the world over. But truly, if they have time to read blogs, they are only proving my point!

1. Babies cannot talk.

They also cannot roll their eyes or slam doors or throw tantrums. While their incessant crying tends to annoy, silence is found by simply placing a boob {or bottle} in the crying baby's mouth. Really, is that so hard!?   

2. Babies do not have back-to-back activities every day from 3 pm -7 pm.

Babies do not require intricate carpooling routines. New parents do not have to remember how the M-W schedule differs from the T-TH schedule, and oh! don't forget the birthday party on Saturday! No, a baby's schedule is the same every afternoon -- sleep. For hours! Heaven. I spend most afternoons in the car helping with homework and whipping up a nutritious dinner simultaneously. 

3.  Baby laundry is little and cute. 

Truly, one load of laundry and their entire little wardrobe is fresh and clean. The laundry of active tweens requires a full-time laundress {oh yeah, that's me}. And you'll never find me cooing "so cute" as I turn every single stinky sock right side in while sorting.  Never. 

4. Babies are not picky eaters. 

Babies, whether they take a bottle or breast, eat regularly and what they are served. Tweens are picky eaters. Or not hungry. Or only hungry for cereal. Babies lay sweetly in your arms and smile while you feed them. So peaceful and serene. Our dinner times are neither peaceful nor serene, but instead, have become a war zone with nightly battles over veggie intake, not talking while chewing, and keeping elbows off the table {and no, I am not the manners Nazi in the family}. 

5. Babies wear anything. 

There are no arguments over what to wear to church or for the family photo. There are no "dramatic sighs" when an outfit is suggested. Yes, babies may soil their clothing from time to time, but that simply provides further opportunities to display yet another darling ensemble! I still purchase the darling ensembles but consider it a win if my duo dons anything other than sport shorts and t-shirts. 

6. Babies can watch R rated movies. 

I do not suggest you bring an infant into an actual movie theatre. That is annoying and plainly inconsiderate to the other viewers. But, in the privacy of your own home, babies can simply sleep in your arms or play on the floor while you watch any number of inappropriate films. You need not be concerned with the gratuitous violence or sex. Babies will simply kick about in their bouncers while you stay up to date with the latest cinema and television series. If my duo walked into the room during Game of Thrones there would undoubtedly be questions and quite possibly counseling required.

7. Babies do not ask why the door is closed. 

So maybe you do not feel like spending private time with your husband for the first couple, few, six months, but in theory you could. There is generally some portion of each day when the baby is asleep and you are awake. I realize we all have priorities and yours may well be a shower. No judgment here. But suffice to say, if you are so inclined, the baby will not walk down the hall, open the door, and ask an uncomfortable series of questions. Not to mention, you have years before junior comes tumbling into your bed each morning. 

8. Babies sleep. 

Yes, it takes some adjusting to adapt to a two-hour sleep cycle. I remember those days. But no one expects you to do anything during that time other than produce milk {or not, your choice}. If you showered and made the bed in one day your husband cheers, "You are doing great!" This is truly an amazing time. Relish in your ability to lay about all day long, neglect the house, any timely grooming rituals, and allow others to feed you for weeks on end.

Seriously, what's not to love!?  

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